The mission: navigate morning traffic without losing faith in humanity. The obstacle: humans themselves. Specifically… The Car Booger Eaters.
As I cruised along at impulse speed (ten miles per hour), I witnessed something so horrifying it nearly made me eject the warp core. A driver, deep in thought....or perhaps excavation, plunged his finger to the depths of his nasal nebula and emerged triumphant… then ate it. Not once. Not twice. Repeatedly. Like it was a five-course meal on the USS Buffet of Shame.
Across the galaxy, civilizations have mastered teleportation, warp travel, and AI symphonies, yet here on Earth, Chad from the Honda Civic is eating his own biological weapon during a red light.
I looked around. Another one. A second offender. Picking, inspecting, and then... the unthinkable. This planet is doomed.
End transmission.
Recommend quarantine of all vehicles within a five-mile radius.
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